just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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