you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
