his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
spring break - time to see if my two week detoxing gave my liver a chance to recover.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
