I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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