I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
