Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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