My hand turned me down
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
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