I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
