I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize