I can tuck mytits in my pants
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
Randomize
