You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
