i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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