My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Randomize
