I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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