I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
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