dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
When are your genitals available?
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Randomize
