How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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