he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
Green mimosas i think yes
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Randomize