Soap is not a condiment
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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