at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize