This is not my ceiling
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
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