Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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