Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
