Yo dont text me then not text me
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Randomize