I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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