Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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