i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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