I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
