You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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