my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
