the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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