so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
