Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
