I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
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