Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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