What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize