My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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