I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize