we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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