Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
