I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
