Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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