FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
