I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
