just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize