If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
We don't watch enough power rangers
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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