So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
