if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
