turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize