i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
