i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
not ubering you a puppy
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Randomize
