now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
