why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
