I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Randomize
