his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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