Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
