yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
