I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
we're making bets on your personal life
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
Randomize
