she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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