corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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