Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
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