im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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