I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
