I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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