i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
